violet dawn and buried her head in her arms, <- violet sky, maybe, to avoid the repetition of dawn?
I already know what my name is, Aylili thought and wished she had a blanket to pull over her head. <- *snickers at the last bit* Also love the thought. Silly goose, but Nimbus doesn't and that's rather the point of it. *likes muchly*
“Great Light,” he said. “Do you realise the sun is barely up? Whatever did you wake me at this unnatural hour for, dear child?” <- Silly Nimbus. I love the linguistic note in this. It's short, brief and tantalising and yet never infodumpy as language notes can easily be even if they're short. It fits here. That's such a wonderful thing. ^-^
The tenderest <- *amused* Think that's a formatting thing gone wrong. I can't see if that's just because of HTMLification or because it's this way in your original file, though, so I'm pointing it out. ^-^
keep her health[y,] but she could remember melon
Which was why Aylili agreed to his crazy plan. <- Awwww. That is such a beautiful touch there. ^-^ Love the way it's just the one line and ends a scene. Wonderful way to do it.
Aylili pressed herself against the tiles and cringed. <- *patpat* Your own fault for not going with him. *very much amused* I do adore Nimbus. Scene stealer that he is. ^-~
Poor, poor shell-shocked Nimbus. *snugs*
She had dismissed his claims of heroism[,] but he had obviously seen battle
He did not stir[,] but the birds came, swirling out of the night. <- I love the way you don't go about explaining this and leave it up to the reader to try and piece together why the birds listen to her and help her. *shakes head in wonder* You are such a talented young woman...
the curve of the roof.. <- got a period too many there, methinks.
the bow with ease[,] but Nimbus
“Fourteen! You’re fourteen? Impossible! How old were you when the siege began?” <- Poor, poor Nimbus. *hugs* It's the name clicking into place, isn't it? At least the possibility of it. Poor dear.
the centre of the palace. <- lots of various repetitions going on in that paragraph. Might want to see if you can't rephrase a few sentences to reduce the overall repetition.
She tensed[,] but no flames <- Love the frantic feel of Aylili's fears and the resurgence of memories at them. *shakes head* War is such an awful thing. This is a very clear example of what it can do to people.
Behind her the guard let out a muffled snicker. <- *snickers along* Ah, but a history lesson from Nimbus she's never had before. In a way he reminds me a little of my old religion teacher. It's the deliberate theatricality of the personality. ^-^
It smelt wrong <- I'm curious about the history of 'to smell' now. It must have been irregular as a verb at some point, but the question is, is it still? (And being Dutch doesn't really help here since it just triggers images of things melting and iron forges. Which is a perfectly acceptable of use of 'smelt' in English comes from German 'smelten', but... Never mind me. I'm mostly just burbling about etymology because my mind's gone off on a tangent now. Isn't wrong, just different enough a spelling to notice and then I drifted... There you are, one random thing to learn for today. ^-~)
I would [have[ gone but I was in Rastan
You know... Rereading that final scene knowing Aylili's past and seeing the clues you've given the reader so far (without ever once giving one that screams 'this is truth' at you) makes one have goosebumps. Very, very powerful to hear the history of Nimbus and Aylili and the city in such a compact space comparatively and the overall length of the piece makes it seem that much more compact. It's got an incredible amount of impact.
*applauds, which is as feeble in carrying across her feelings as words* Astounding, me dear. Absolutely astounding.
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Date: 2008-03-08 02:28 pm (UTC)I already know what my name is, Aylili thought and wished she had a blanket to pull over her head. <- *snickers at the last bit* Also love the thought. Silly goose, but Nimbus doesn't and that's rather the point of it. *likes muchly*
“Great Light,” he said. “Do you realise the sun is barely up? Whatever did you wake me at this unnatural hour for, dear child?” <- Silly Nimbus. I love the linguistic note in this. It's short, brief and tantalising and yet never infodumpy as language notes can easily be even if they're short. It fits here. That's such a wonderful thing. ^-^
The
tenderest <- *amused* Think that's a formatting thing gone wrong. I can't see if that's just because of HTMLification or because it's this way in your original file, though, so I'm pointing it out. ^-^
keep her health[y,] but she could remember melon
Which was why Aylili agreed to his crazy plan. <- Awwww. That is such a beautiful touch there. ^-^ Love the way it's just the one line and ends a scene. Wonderful way to do it.
Aylili pressed herself against the tiles and cringed. <- *patpat* Your own fault for not going with him. *very much amused* I do adore Nimbus. Scene stealer that he is. ^-~
Poor, poor shell-shocked Nimbus. *snugs*
She had dismissed his claims of heroism[,] but he had obviously seen battle
He did not stir[,] but the birds came, swirling out of the night. <- I love the way you don't go about explaining this and leave it up to the reader to try and piece together why the birds listen to her and help her. *shakes head in wonder* You are such a talented young woman...
the curve of the roof.. <- got a period too many there, methinks.
the bow with ease[,] but Nimbus
“Fourteen! You’re fourteen? Impossible! How old were you when the siege began?” <- Poor, poor Nimbus. *hugs* It's the name clicking into place, isn't it? At least the possibility of it. Poor dear.
the centre of the palace. <- lots of various repetitions going on in that paragraph. Might want to see if you can't rephrase a few sentences to reduce the overall repetition.
She tensed[,] but no flames <- Love the frantic feel of Aylili's fears and the resurgence of memories at them. *shakes head* War is such an awful thing. This is a very clear example of what it can do to people.
Behind her the guard let out a muffled snicker. <- *snickers along* Ah, but a history lesson from Nimbus she's never had before. In a way he reminds me a little of my old religion teacher. It's the deliberate theatricality of the personality. ^-^
It smelt wrong <- I'm curious about the history of 'to smell' now. It must have been irregular as a verb at some point, but the question is, is it still? (And being Dutch doesn't really help here since it just triggers images of things melting and iron forges. Which is a perfectly acceptable of use of 'smelt' in English comes from German 'smelten', but... Never mind me. I'm mostly just burbling about etymology because my mind's gone off on a tangent now. Isn't wrong, just different enough a spelling to notice and then I drifted... There you are, one random thing to learn for today. ^-~)
I would [have[ gone but I was in Rastan
You know... Rereading that final scene knowing Aylili's past and seeing the clues you've given the reader so far (without ever once giving one that screams 'this is truth' at you) makes one have goosebumps. Very, very powerful to hear the history of Nimbus and Aylili and the city in such a compact space comparatively and the overall length of the piece makes it seem that much more compact. It's got an incredible amount of impact.
*applauds, which is as feeble in carrying across her feelings as words* Astounding, me dear. Absolutely astounding.