The man immediately knelt beside her. <- did he move? He was crouching a moment ago. This is likely just an issue with my understanding of movements, mind.
“Clear and beauteous, the tears of the rain to cleanse a wound. Or if we cannot find fresh water we will use vinegar, though it will sting, perchance.” <- *loves Nimbus, loves Aylili's reaction to getting her scratch cleaned up* It's such a wonderful and lively scene, this.
The name meant nothing to Aylili and it must have shown for he said, indignantly, “It is no matter to joke upon, you tease of a child.” <- Ahhh, and the sheer Nimbosity shows. Wonderful descriptions throughout. Something tells me I'm going to keep saying that if I don't force myself to restrict it to a repetition at the end, though…
afraid..[.]”
She was too sleepy to respond[,] but he kept talking anyway.
And whispering through her memories was <- was or were? Asking because I can see both being grammatically correct depending on how the list following is read, so I'm curious whether it's absolutely intentional or not.
Aylili was not impressed. <- *giggles* One would be hard-pressed to be impressed when those feats are spoken by a drunkard, even if they're true. ^-~ Still, that is a wonderful description of someone utterly drunk and I loved the way you've integrated Nimbus' movements into the speech he's making. ^-^ *remembers this bit more clearly than the opening* Wonderful piece, me dear.
“Can you step backwards?” he asked her, and she realised that he was suddenly, alarmingly, sober. <- Bless, mister Theatrics. I vote we make Theatrics Nimbus' metaphorical middle name. ^-~
She tried to slid[e] her foot backwards and slipped.
Nimbus hugged the chimney closer and said, desolately, “Where’s my drink? I want my drink.” <- Awwww, poor Nimbus. *pats* See what comes of drinking to forget? *offers him some chocolate and something labelled instant-Irish coffee without so much as a drop of alcohol in it and not tasting at all similar to actual Irish coffee*
And hungry. And thirsty. And her bladder hurt. <- love the way you've rendered that and that you've included her bladder in this. Very beautiful. ^-^
She was Aylili, and she could call the birds. What did it matter where she had learnt the skill? <- Love the repetition of Aylili telling herself who she is and how she's trying to keep her memories at bay, poor thing. I do love these two, despite knowing that there is so much sadness lying behind them and in their pasts.
Aylili sucked her burnt fingers and pretended she could not hear him laugh. <- *chuckles* Such a sulky thing. I love how she's not thinking about how hot the fish is going to be and I love the calm ease of Nimbus. These two react to each other so wonderfully and they're so rounded and real as personalities. It's really, really beautiful, me dear. But then you already know I loved this. I know you've said I've already read this, but it deserves to be reread. It also deserves to be published with quality like that. Very, very beautiful, me dear.
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Date: 2008-03-08 12:59 pm (UTC)The man immediately knelt beside her. <- did he move? He was crouching a moment ago. This is likely just an issue with my understanding of movements, mind.
“Clear and beauteous, the tears of the rain to cleanse a wound. Or if we cannot find fresh water we will use vinegar, though it will sting, perchance.” <- *loves Nimbus, loves Aylili's reaction to getting her scratch cleaned up* It's such a wonderful and lively scene, this.
The name meant nothing to Aylili and it must have shown for he said, indignantly, “It is no matter to joke upon, you tease of a child.” <- Ahhh, and the sheer Nimbosity shows. Wonderful descriptions throughout. Something tells me I'm going to keep saying that if I don't force myself to restrict it to a repetition at the end, though…
afraid..[.]”
She was too sleepy to respond[,] but he kept talking anyway.
And whispering through her memories was <- was or were? Asking because I can see both being grammatically correct depending on how the list following is read, so I'm curious whether it's absolutely intentional or not.
Aylili was not impressed. <- *giggles* One would be hard-pressed to be impressed when those feats are spoken by a drunkard, even if they're true. ^-~ Still, that is a wonderful description of someone utterly drunk and I loved the way you've integrated Nimbus' movements into the speech he's making. ^-^ *remembers this bit more clearly than the opening* Wonderful piece, me dear.
“Can you step backwards?” he asked her, and she realised that he was suddenly, alarmingly, sober. <- Bless, mister Theatrics. I vote we make Theatrics Nimbus' metaphorical middle name. ^-~
She tried to slid[e] her foot backwards and slipped.
Nimbus hugged the chimney closer and said, desolately, “Where’s my drink? I want my drink.” <- Awwww, poor Nimbus. *pats* See what comes of drinking to forget? *offers him some chocolate and something labelled instant-Irish coffee without so much as a drop of alcohol in it and not tasting at all similar to actual Irish coffee*
And hungry. And thirsty. And her bladder hurt. <- love the way you've rendered that and that you've included her bladder in this. Very beautiful. ^-^
She was Aylili, and she could call the birds. What did it matter where she had learnt the skill? <- Love the repetition of Aylili telling herself who she is and how she's trying to keep her memories at bay, poor thing. I do love these two, despite knowing that there is so much sadness lying behind them and in their pasts.
Aylili sucked her burnt fingers and pretended she could not hear him laugh. <- *chuckles* Such a sulky thing. I love how she's not thinking about how hot the fish is going to be and I love the calm ease of Nimbus. These two react to each other so wonderfully and they're so rounded and real as personalities. It's really, really beautiful, me dear. But then you already know I loved this. I know you've said I've already read this, but it deserves to be reread. It also deserves to be published with quality like that. Very, very beautiful, me dear.