I love the idea of voices being like lace. ^-^ It's very, very easy for me to picture. Very pretty imagery there.
They were all absorbed in their game: they would not see her passing. <- not a semi-colon? *curious, mostly*
she sprang away from the chimney and ran lightly <- not sure you need to specify the chimney. It's mildly repetitive with the compound 'chimney pot', but it does work this way. Try both and see which you prefer?
he sea-girt queen of the world;Isola the glorious, <- missed a space, there. I do love the interwoven nursery rhyme there. It adds a nice little touch of the ordinary, both in the sense of it being a nursery rhyme and it being so very far from Aylili's (new) world. It's a gorgeous opening, me dear.
But that was in another time; in someone else’s life, and she would not think on it <- very sad events there, but the descriptions are utterly gorgeous. Again, so easy to picture and vivid, despite not focusing on every detail. The shadows of gulls' wings is a wonderful touch and the insert of taste is beautifully done.
She was on the western edge of her territory now with the broken towers of <- Might want to consider rearranging the sentence order to avoid the ambiguity of 'now'. Currently to can go with both where Aylili is as with how the area looks. I'm leaning strongly towards the first option, but the second is a syntactic possibility at least. *burble*
A full grown adult would never fit there, but Aylili was fourteen and half-starved and it suited her perfectly. <- Don't ask me why, but I think that turn of phrase is utterly gorgeous. I love the whole paragraph, but that sentence especially.
Aylili ran. <- Scary, scary Nimbus. I do not at all blame her for running. I love how raw the description of his counter is and how it's just streaks of black and touch of feather. Very powerful bit that.
If they could catch her they would put her with those puling, groundbound brats, but she was Aylili, too swift for them, too clever. <- I think it's the youthful arrogant that comes from the 'but' clauses. I'm not 100% sure what causes it – maybe just the use of 'but', maybe reader perception – but there you go. It's a great touch.
It was a mere[,] crude wooden <- otherwise you leave it open to the misinterpretation that it should be 'merely crude' which makes no sense except syntactically. The description of the flute sound is gorgeous, me dear. But then your phrasing in this in general is gorgeous, so I'm not too surprised. ^-~ Very, very wonderfully done here.
Now she could hear his words and she leant forward to listen, telling herself she sought clues to his identity; that it was not the sight of wings that fascinated her. <- I love how you've put this behind the description of Nimbus. That's a beautiful touch, especially since it punctuates the phrasing as indication that Aylili is just denying the truth to herself.
“You came back.” <- *cackles and snugs Nimbus* I love the brevity of that and the sense of it.
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Date: 2008-03-08 12:59 pm (UTC)I love the idea of voices being like lace. ^-^ It's very, very easy for me to picture. Very pretty imagery there.
They were all absorbed in their game: they would not see her passing. <- not a semi-colon? *curious, mostly*
she sprang away from the chimney and ran lightly <- not sure you need to specify the chimney. It's mildly repetitive with the compound 'chimney pot', but it does work this way. Try both and see which you prefer?
he sea-girt queen of the world;Isola the glorious, <- missed a space, there. I do love the interwoven nursery rhyme there. It adds a nice little touch of the ordinary, both in the sense of it being a nursery rhyme and it being so very far from Aylili's (new) world. It's a gorgeous opening, me dear.
But that was in another time; in someone else’s life, and she would not think on it <- very sad events there, but the descriptions are utterly gorgeous. Again, so easy to picture and vivid, despite not focusing on every detail. The shadows of gulls' wings is a wonderful touch and the insert of taste is beautifully done.
She was on the western edge of her territory now with the broken towers of <- Might want to consider rearranging the sentence order to avoid the ambiguity of 'now'. Currently to can go with both where Aylili is as with how the area looks. I'm leaning strongly towards the first option, but the second is a syntactic possibility at least. *burble*
A full grown adult would never fit there, but Aylili was fourteen and half-starved and it suited her perfectly. <- Don't ask me why, but I think that turn of phrase is utterly gorgeous. I love the whole paragraph, but that sentence especially.
Aylili ran. <- Scary, scary Nimbus. I do not at all blame her for running. I love how raw the description of his counter is and how it's just streaks of black and touch of feather. Very powerful bit that.
If they could catch her they would put her with those puling, groundbound brats, but she was Aylili, too swift for them, too clever. <- I think it's the youthful arrogant that comes from the 'but' clauses. I'm not 100% sure what causes it – maybe just the use of 'but', maybe reader perception – but there you go. It's a great touch.
It was a mere[,] crude wooden <- otherwise you leave it open to the misinterpretation that it should be 'merely crude' which makes no sense except syntactically. The description of the flute sound is gorgeous, me dear. But then your phrasing in this in general is gorgeous, so I'm not too surprised. ^-~ Very, very wonderfully done here.
Now she could hear his words and she leant forward to listen, telling herself she sought clues to his identity; that it was not the sight of wings that fascinated her. <- I love how you've put this behind the description of Nimbus. That's a beautiful touch, especially since it punctuates the phrasing as indication that Aylili is just denying the truth to herself.
“You came back.” <- *cackles and snugs Nimbus* I love the brevity of that and the sense of it.
He might not be of the Dark[,] but he was
(And... You get a multiparter. ^-^)